throwaway1

"A deal was done with India to supply 10 million doses. But it was always made clear the exact date of shipment could not be absolutely guaranteed."

I'm sorry did you put that comment for yourself as a reminder?

If there was a vendor involved - Equifax would have already jumped on that fact and blamed the vendor. They would have already played the oh-we-had-a-bad-vendor-and-fired-them-immediately game by now.

You may think that this is coldly logical. It's not. I have dealt with OCD and depression-like systems for a long time now. 90%+ of the time I'm "fine" to "great." Another 9.9% I feel like scum for no good reason. That last 0.1% is what sucks -- that's the suicidal thoughts.

Holidays that are the worst, when everybody seems to be paying each other extra attentions and I find myself feeling lonely/forgotten. Last night, I had raging suicidal thoughts for a few hours (about the length of the usual bout). These thoughts are not directed or particularly purposeful.

When I have these thoughts, I badly want to talk to somebody about them. It's like the monster in your closet -- in the light of day it's less scary. But I can't, and it sucks! If I go to a shrink about this, I would likely be involuntarily committed and be greatly impacted in my professional life, etc.

Suicide is a taboo topic and it's too bad for those who struggle with suicidal thoughts, because they have to keep them inside. I've brought them up to some "friends" before and the reaction is that I must be crumbling, etc. There's almost a sense of shame from these people, like they've accidentally seen you naked.

I keep this to myself, but the most productive thing is to confront the issue. The best way I've been able to do that is by reading things written by/about suicide not from the perspective of "gotta save you!" This might sound odd, but places like /r/SanctionedSuicide (which isn't really what it sounds like, if you recoiled) actually makes me feel respected and not ashamed. Looking through a different lens, I see that my life is pretty good and I have many things to live for! When I feel this way I read the generally "gotta save you!" stuff too because hey, it's nice and positive, but in isolation it's quite patronizing.

Mentally sound people seem to immediately equate suicidal thoughts with an imminent life-and-death struggle and have the accompanying "EMERGENCY!!" reaction, and that is simply not how this works.