hestipod

You cannot even see what you are doing and are proving my point perfectly. You invalidate and minimize what I say. You turn it into something lesser to dismiss. You excuse the things I say bother me. You say it's MY fault there is no help because I am not LETTING that help happen...which is ironically classic and well studied victim blaming.

I am done. I am not going to continue to go back and forth. No matter what I say or do there is reason to interrogate, invalidate, blame. Nothing is every enough for anyone and every answer leads to more questions and more positioning to dismiss. I know you don't agree...don't "believe"...it doesn't matter. For you this is an opportunity to win a debate or show you are smarter or better. That's what people do. My only mistake is beating my head against that same wall of human ego because I am in pain and want to make noise to relieve it.

"The problem" is always the victim...never the people doing the victimization. This just reinforces that I said and believe. People don't see others as living, feeling humans. They are means to an end and if they don't "contribute to the discussion" in the way they want then they are invalidated. It's one thing to leave people be, it's another to actively push down irl or with voting. It's saying "you don't matter and what you say and do annoys/bothers/irritates me and I need to demonstrate that". I cannot understand such a selfish mindset. But it's my mistake for continuing to believe people are going to be different. Every psychologist etc I have seen has said that most people never grow past the ego driven, narcissistic child phase of emotional maturity, no matter how "intelligent" or "successful" they appear they just cannot have empathy or care about others as emotional beings like them.

If I laid out details...which I have done many times...those details would be ignored, picked apart, invalidated, twisted...and nothing good happens. Occasionally a good soul reaches out and offers support of some sort...but only once in my life has that ever been actionable and beyond "I understand and that sucks". I know it offends people...and I don't even care anymore...but most people are in it entirely for themselves as I have said. Everything they do and say is for their own emotional and physical need and even their seemingly good actions toward others is self serving. My mistake was believing the few mentors and good examples of loving human beings I have been fortunate to know were not unicorns and were just people I had to get out in the world and find. But unicorns they were/are. I learned after my suicide attempt how even when things are at their worst people will still punch down, betray, lie, abuse, cheat, and step on you for their own needs. They prevent people from opting out of life because that scares and angers them...but they refuse to do whats needed to allow those people in need to survive. They just keep you in a nice smoldering fire because that's best for them. But since I AM a feeling human being I cannot just accept it and suffer the fire...I get upset and lash out and speak out...and it just stokes the flames and I regret it. Cannot win...can only hurt.

Surgery ruined my life and will be the cause of it's end. I was scared into having surgery I didn't need and told if I did not I would be crippled by middle age. Multiple opinions got multiple variations on what should be done but I was too young and inexperienced to know better. It stole everything from me and has caused so much physical and mental pain as I tried to survive it and society and people turned their backs on me. Then when I became the very thing I was told to fear in all ways...and there was no way out...I tried to end my life and even THAT was denied me and now its all worse.

People love to talk about "worth the risk and cost" etc when they have no TRUE idea what the risk and cost are. People love to justify, explain, defend those who do the damage and love to blame, demean, and ignore those who suffer it. Nice little just world package to feel safe and smart. I wish I had never gone to a doctor and I wish I had known the realities of medical mistake frequency and unneeded surgery instead of the whitewashed nonsense that is sold.

Even now...post suicide attempt...the system and people are just proving what I believed was true all along...but being correct doesn't bring me any solace or pain relief.

*I understand it's bad form to complain about voting...but when your life is so painful and full of invalidation by family, society, and "professionals" even a person pushing a button to further invalidate you hurts and just reinforces what you believe about ego and selfishness in others. Being "right" or in control is always more important than others to most people. I just cannot fathom the thinking of kicking someone who is down over their experience or a generalized comment. Even if I disagreed with someone I wouldn't do that.

I guess I just feel hopeless because I cannot manage things on my own anymore, like I used to when life was good, and I cannot find enough help to survive. I have been failed over and over by systems and people and saying that is used as something being wrong with ME. Admittedly a couple of very rare times I have failed to grab on to a helping hand out of fear and situations making things worse, and I don't know if those things would have worked or not, and those rare instances seem to paint me in an even worse light as someone who is beyond help and NEVER acts or does the right thing even though that isn't true, but mostly there isn't any help. That's why I ended up where I am. People seem to think they would always be capable of finding a way out...I thought so too...the reality is different. I wish I had succeeded in leaving this world because I see no way to survive in it that is accessible to me. I'd be getting social assistance in most first world countries. I am angry, alone, in pain, exhausted, and hopeless...and that annoys and offends and I understand why but it still hurts. Just have no idea what to do...feel adrift and hopeless in a way I never imagined possible.

I am quite sure SOME people are scared, but I wish they'd try anyway...at least have the discussion of options. In my experience in life most people just don't care, are in it to win it, and others are just pieces on the board.

Yes there are many people as bad or sadly even worse off than me. That doesn't lift or make me feel any better...it makes me feel bad for them and hate the system even more. I also don't have the energy or health to be much of a supporter when I need to be supported. Drowning guy isn't the person to advocate for water safety...he is trying not to go totally under. I do give what I can of myself to a couple close people and it's already too much for me. I am not scared to help...I don't have any resources to help and am sinking myself.

Is caffeine any different? I went 40 years without it but started when I had a need for some energy as life was so bad. I tried to quit after two years and had 30 days + of migraines that never left of abated so I went back on it. I want off but I am not in a position to have MORE pain and headaches now as life has collapsed. I wish I had never had a coffee. The small boost and bowel regularity are benefits, but the dependence is miserable. Even getting off a cup a day is super painful for me and I have read I am not alone...but people who aren't as affected think its ridiculous.

I find the lowest settings on any phone I have tried too loud with any headphones or bluetooth device. I gave up trying. Even in a normal room its painfully loud. Per your username I do have tinnitus also and some minor hearing loss but not massive. No idea why this is so miserable.

Unfortunately changing my circumstances is the only thing that matters and could save me. Just being heard and my feelings validated isn't enough. But for some human emotional reason I am screaming out all the way to the impact.

I am not asking for help. There is no "right place to ask for help". It's been made clear over 15 years that won't happen. Not the help I need. I am venting when a relevant topic comes up.

"Suicide isn't the answer" is the sort of platitude I mean. It is an answer. It solves the problems I am suffering. I am so tired of people who haven't slogged anywhere near as painfully and as long as I have telling me what is worth it or what I HAVE to do. People who don't understand at all what it's like or try and relate their relatively smaller issues or survivable resources and health to "knowing suffering". Everything you have said is to reinforce your own beliefs and comforts. It doesn't help me at all. Lest I sound ungrateful...I appreciate people trying...but it doesn't work or help and people and systems won't do what is required. My country has decided social systems are bad and wrong and denied me that assistance and Maslow's basic needs. I know I am worth it. I didn't cause any of this. I am a victim and that's a dirty word. Being angry about it is "wrong". Nobody arrives where I am because they have choices. It's a last desperate jump so the fire doesn't burn you up...even though you know you will fall and splat...to paraphrase DFW.

I'm happy to take the help to live...it's not there. It's "entitled" of me. It's me not "trying hard enough" whilst I am burning up. Everyone for themselves with the exception of a tiny few...and I've not had enough of those people in my life since this happened to me.

I feel trapped by this because I cannot count on others to make the best decision..or right decision ethically and for decency...seems they choose to make the best for THEM at my expense. My life was ruined by medical errors. I was told to "trust the professionals" and when I did they damaged me and took from me, then the systems and people meant to help when that happens refused. Family bailed. Years and years of this culminated in a suicide attempt recently that failed due to intervention, and those same professionals and family ignored my documented wishes to be let go and "saved" me into a worse situation with even more needs and less to no help. They don't care about me at all...just the best decision for THEIR feelings.

I'd love to live...have wanted to the entire time...but people can only take so much. I had one great chance a couple years ago, only one in all this time, and more health issues and my fear of suffering more caused me to lose that. There isn't enough help...people just take more and ignore and throw platitudes. What all of this life has taught me is 99% of people are in it entirely for themselves and how I lived and what I believed in was naive and stupid. So the best decision for me now is to get out of this shit world but I am not even allowed to do that. Just more nonsense and symptom covering...never root cause solutions. There is no lifeline...no support...just rationalization and calculus devaluing my life. "Best decisions".

I was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt due to years of chronic pain and depression as a result. I was not allowed to die. I get no help to live after being dumped back out when "stable" medically. I was not allowed any visitors due to the virus and it was very detrimental to my mental health. Now I am here alone trying to piece together a future. Nobody revolted...and I am powerless to. Frustrates me so much there wasn't help to live...but I am told I have to. Trapped in a room with no doors or windows and on fire. I don't see this "help" everyone says there is to get. Just people wanting thousands of dollars from me that I cannot pay for nonsense.

This can be heavy and I need to talk about it but feel it runs people off, but I had a recent suicide attempt resulting from years of chronic pain and increasing isolation. I am not getting enough help or support. The relevance is how you mentioned you miss face to face and as I sit here alone trying to recover I see how terrible an effect the increasing isolation has had on me. But I live rural with no support network and no options. Looking back it's why I was far better mentally in a city. People need people...even the introverts. I don't fit in politically locally, cannot find support online. Even healthy and wealthy people get down when all alone.

I am really not. It's been bad for a long time in various ways, but to cap it off I had a suicide attempt in the past weeks as things just fell out from under me. Now I have to try and recover from that, with all the same problems, plus new ones, amidst the virus's effects. Great timing. I am not a developer, but could do proofreading etc but there just aren't many opportunities for someone like me and in my situation. I am trying to believe in a future but it's difficult. I had a great, accomodative opportunity a while back that health and my failure to just tough things out let pass, seems for good, and I fear nothing like that will ever come again. I regret every moment not just going and working in that pain but I was terrified I would fail. Now I have actually "failed at life" completely, local "help" is horrible, and I have no idea what I will do. People don't want to bother with broken folks on the best of days...I fear I have permanently ruined any possible future with this desperate act...ironically putting things right back in the quicksand again.