rolledover

This is the type of advice I have encountered so far, and it isn't helpful to me, no offense. I have been doing these things for the past 13 months, and I don't know what I want to do. My parents told me they are taking me out of their will, and all I get is threatening messages from them when I talk to them. They want me to go back to what I was doing before and be miserable. I left because I felt I wasn't good at it, the work bored me to fucking death, and I didn't admire anyone I worked with. I looked at the CEO, president, and VP's, and I was terrified of ever ending up as that type of person. I would be miserable.

I have dreams of being wealthy because I do. I want to have things, I want to have complete freedom and control of everything around me. I don't like flying on commercial airlines, I don't like having to live in places I don't want to live in, or locales that I don't want to live in.

I know that if I could start a business, I could make it successful. Hell, I've already managed to live a hell of a life, do things most people will never get to do, and still have over a million dollars in my accounts with no debt or obligations. But now I want more, a lot more. I made all this and did all this while working at my old job. I don't want to do work that I don't enjoy anymore. I don't HAVE to. I want to find something amazing that will make money and be fun. I'm just not sure how. I've been searching, and maybe I'm doing it wrong. I know there is someone out there who can give me a little guidance while I get my feet under me. I am trying to find him/her.

touche, I didn't mean it in that way by any means. I should have used different wording, you're right.

"Love depends on your having caring family/friends" This is something I have never had until recently when I met my girlfriend. Even to this day, and even if I had something really important to talk about to my parents, I couldn't get their ear for more than 1 minute without losing their interest. They've always taught me to deny my feelings, and have never really listened to me. I guess if I was smarter I would have dealt with it better, but sadly I am not. Thank you, I am keeping in mind what you said about patience and love. These are both things my current girlfriend has, and I found myself strongly attracted to her for these qualities. I cry often when I think of her because I am so grateful for her kindness and patience with me. She is the first person in the world (irl) that has actually listened to me.

You know, I think if I could earn 40k per year coding, it would take the pressure off for me. I've never started just because I never thought I could compete with the naturals that went to MIT and represented Will from Good Will Hunting, but maybe I've just been blowing things out of proportion. I've always been able to figure things out, and I did earn a degree in engineering (although not CS) and rise in the company ranks, so I must be somewhat useful. I guess I never give myself any credit either. Maybe I do have imposter syndrome like another user commented. I will make it a point to celebrate more and narrow down to just ONE thing a day for the meantime. Right now, I am so overwhelmed that I end up doing nothing. And it just perpetuated. Although I haven't properly replied to many of the comments here, it has really helped me just reading what people have suggested, and talking it out.

Haha, that site is still trying to load 3 minutes later. Is there a contact number listed? Maybe I can speak with him on Skype and see what the deal is. Thanks for this though.

Thanks for this, it's helped me gain some perspective about my situation.

I am ashamed to admit that the main reason I want this much money is because I have always been treated like I am not good enough by my parents. He is somewhat wealthy, and I feel very unaccomplished and useless compared to him. I guess I haven't given much thought to it, but the fantasy of having 100's of millions, having my own jet, and being able to prove to them and their friends that they were wrong about me, seems to be the central reason for wanting to have this amount of money. I hate it that I can't do anything for them that they can't already do for themselves. I hate it that they treat me like less of a person because I have not been successful. I get a poisonous taste in my mouth just thinking about it. It makes me really angry, but mostly at myself for not figuring something out by now.

When you say treatment, do you mean medicine? I am really fearful of taking meds for this. But I do feel like I have to fight every single day just to be. Everything feels impossible, and I am completely overwhelmed and dismal.

This community truly has amazing people in it. Thank you for the recommendations, I will be using those sources asap.

Thank you. I think I do need pain. I want pain, I am tired of sitting here idle. I honestly don't mind dying, I have figured that much out. Hopefully that will make me dangerous at some point. I honestly don't care much to live past 60, so maybe that is an advantage.

Where can I find good therapists? I really don't know who I can trust. After a couple bad run in's, I really don't know who to talk to. If you told me you knew a good guy in Cali, I would leave tomorrow. I'm honestly that desperate to get this figured out and done with so I can focus on building things that I want.

Also, I think I will do some traveling while staying in hostels. Thank you.

Yes, it's definitely a case of Maslow's hierarchy. I am thankful and grateful, and actually think of it every day, and let other people know that I love them and are grateful for them. But I have this great fear that I will never be successful. I will never figure it out. I will never make it happen. And that's really all I want right now. I just want to make something happen. It would be great to have 100's of millions, but honestly, if I could just support myself by something I created myself (not some job), I think I would cry tears of joy. I just feel like it's impossible right now. I guess I should go try to do the impossible so if I fail, at least it was something really hard. That will take some of the pressure off.

I've been depressed in some form or fashion since I was in high school. I'm not sure if it's because my life has been a massive failure, or because I actually am chemically lacking. I've seen horror stories of people who have taken anti-depressive drugs, and half of my family is on them. I think some cognitive therapy would be useful, but I really hope I don't need medicine. I don't even take advil if I can help it. I would honestly be terrified of telling any doctor something like that. I live in TX, and have very little trust for most of the doctors I have seen in my life. They all have agendas.

I've tried speaking with some therapists with no luck. I wish someone could recommend someone to me. I don't care if they are in Hong Kong, I would leave tomorrow. Everyone always tells me I need therapy, but no one knows of a decent therapist. The ones I have spoken with have no clue, it makes me cringe to imagine dealing with that again. Plus, they only want to talk to you for an hour. So you are stuck with 1 hour per day to make changes, it's a nightmare.