poisonwomb
Joined 1 year ago
Joined 1 year ago
I note that you don’t really describe the sensations and feelings you experience, it’s framed through being ‘unmotivated’ at work. Inability to describe feelings is a classic autistic trait. I could of course be jumping the gun here but it’s definitely something to look into.
Your description of feeling like you’re the only person in the world who experiences stuff this way also remind me a lot of my own experiences with autism and the accounts of others living with it. Communication difficulties and difficulty reaching out are also rolled up with all that too.
Your descriptions of leaving tasks half done, working irregular hours, and getting distracted with something that’s not in the work item are also very common autism/adhd experiences that I see in myself and others.
It’s good that you are getting tested for ADHD - note that autism and ADHD are quite comorbid and it’s very possible you have both.
The good news is that, whether autism/adhd or depression, you are far from alone in your experiences, certainly very far from alone in this field. It does get better.
Where depression came in for me is I had a lot of self hatred about how my brain worked, and h things other people seemed to be able to do easily I had to force myself to do, with immense effort. In a way, depression is anger turned inward, and it’s very easy to be angry at yourself.
It will get better. It’s about learning how your brain works, what your limits are, and what works for you. Basically, self-compassion, because shame is only a short term motivator. It’s so easy to burn out, and so much ‘advice’ online is about pushing yourself more and more when what works is listening to and understanding yourself.
Aside from that I do get the feeling that most small and medium sized companies have been oversold on it - they don't really have enough data to leverage a lot of the features and they don't really have the skill a lot of the time to avoid shooting themselves in the foot. It's possible for a reporting analyst upskilling to learn the programming skill to not create a tangled web of christmas lights but not probable in most situations. There seems to be a whole cottage industry of consultancies now that purport to get you up and running with limited actual success.
At least it's an incentive for companies to get their data in order and standardise on one place and a set of processes.
In terms of actual development the notebook IDE feels like big old turd to use tho and it feels slow in general if you're at all used to local dev. People do kinda like these web based tools tho. Can't trust people all the time! There's VS code and PyCharm extensions but my team work mainly with notebooks at the moment for good or ill and the experience there is absolute flaky dogshit.
I think it's possible to make some good stuff with it and it's paying my bills at the moment, but I think a lot of the adoption may be doomed to failure lol
I do actually think on Mac if you just use the minimal toolbar buttons and the menu bar buttons it looks pretty presentable. Not good but not the worst. And on Linux/GTK it actually looks super nice