karthikeyankc

I'm sorry for your loss. And thanks for sharing this. I'm an atheist myself but I can totally relate to the phenomenon. I still talk to my mom and wife all the time. I look at consciousness thru the lens of panpsychism and I believe we're connected. Maybe it is the mind's defense mechanism or something we don't understand yet, but it's the only solace I have.

Thank you for taking the time and the kind words. I don't know if I'm strong, but I'm just a man trying hard to accept whatever nature throws at me. Even after losing my child and mom, I had faith in life, thanks to my wife, but I don't know what it means anymore. We're all just a big bag of weird cosmic anachronisms in this vast cold universe. The only faith I have is that we are all connected in a way and in that sense, the ones I lost are still with me.

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you are here and are sharing this with folks like me. I lost my child, mom, and wife, all back to back in accidents. I really have lost all the will to live. Like... I have made peace with everything tbh! I did think about everything, but I couldn't do it because of dad. And then at a point we both thought about it ending it all, but eventually I found my support system with my friends. Support system + meds + therapy... are helping me keep functioning these days. Reaching out is the first step.

And I try think about this the same way about my birth. I really cannot say what it was like before... So death is kind of the same. But the 'inbetween' matters. At least it mattered in my case. For now, it helps to live just by the day and not think beyond it.

If anyone is reading this and is in a dark place please know that things can be better with the right support and help.

I guess Noaidi, me, and other folks here are proof that it all works.

I just bought an android tablet for myself yesterday and I'm reading and replying on it. It really helps me for reading longform content. I was mostly a mobile and paperback person, but when I started reading on my wife's ipad, it was a game changer. I read more books and comics in the past years.

It was hard to get back to reading after she passed, but getting a tablet for me is a fresh air and it now encourages me to read more. Mine is a 13 inch S10 Fe Plus, a bit large sometimes, so pick the right size that you like. Screen type might matters (if you're reading at night), but amoled ones are way costly right now.

Ah okay, yeah, you'd need server access. Perhaps a one click install to cloudflare or vercel could've helped you. They offer generous free tiers and for personal blogs that should be good enough. But if your website has high traffic, free tiers might not work thou. Either way, this flexibility should help others like you. I'll see if I can work on one-click setups for cf and vercel this weekend. Thanks for checking it out.

It was monthly. I don't remember the order of the medications, but I remember the effects. The most prominent one were the brain zaps and some confusions, especially in the mornings. On the bright side, I had some creativity coming back to me and I started back on some of my creative outlets (mostly my wife and therapy helped me come back to reality). And my biggest relief was when my brain fog (sometimes I even forgot my colleagues' names) cleared up. But yeah, before I could stop it completely I was fast tracked back up on a different regimen of SSRI combinations after my wife's accident.

Me too. I was prescribed escitalopram along with other SSRIs when I lost my mom. Even with tapering, I had brain zaps for a while. Before I could stop it all completely, I was ramped up again after I lost my wife. I'm not sure if I'd be actually functional or even be here if it weren't for these meds.

Blocked? That's atrophy, right?

And yeah, token usage as a KPI is a trend I notice across orgs too. Mostly in the 'hypomania' stage where the company is blind to the ROI they're getting out of AI. In saner companies, at least short-term, the human arbitrage should get realised during cooldowns like this. But then again, we're just a few cycles away from better quantization and efficient inference engines. Meaning, relaxed token limits. Also, there's local models getting on par with cloud models. At a point, the quota friction will disappear. The measure will get normalised! That's a hard thing to imagine tbh.

Thanks for this lens. This means, we are indeed structurally entering a state of dissociation with surplus capital and AI-enabled 'bandwidth' being the catalysts. The only friction is compute.

Hey brad. Love your blog's layout. The neon sign headings are so catchy! And I'm going through some tough times in my life, and I can totally relate how cathartic the process of 'creation' is. Thanks for sharing!

>That for some reason uses em dashes

You'd be surprised that there are folks on this planet who love em dashes. I'm one of them and I used to write a lot with em dashes, but stopped using it altogether in the past few years because of AI.