_diyu

No. Even without background checks, every employer ends up googling my name when I get hired, and rescinds the offer 100% of the time. My only hope of being a professional programmer is to do contracting with people who give second chances. I had two clients who have done that, but one cut off contact with me. So I have one client. No way to expand that.

I went job hunting for the past 8 months and got 30 jobs and all of them rescinded their offers because my reputation is radioactive. So I would love to get a full time job. But it's not my path right now unfortunately. I would absolutely love that though.

This is where I get stuck actually. I try to digest some information, but then I start worrying that I'm taking unreasonably long, that my client is definitely going to ask for a justification for why something that should have only taken 1 hour ended up taking 3 hours (because it could take him 1 hour or even less), and I won't have a good answer.

I've only been a consultant for 2 months, and the reason I say every waking hour is because we are only just now getting caught up with bills, but we're still pretty far from being stable, and this weighs heavily on my concentration, so while I may work 12 hours in a day, I only get maybe 6-8 hours out of this work that I can actually justify billing for, because the rest of it was just spent staring at a screen and not really knowing what to do. And besides that, I have several children who need at least some of my help and attention throughout the day, and my wife who needs my help with them. So there goes another 2-4 hours. So even though I'm trying to get to a computer and type stuff in to count for billable hours throughout the day, this or that kid comes in needing something, or it's suddenly lunch or dinner time, or like basically everything breaks up the day and ruins any productive flow I could get into.

I'm not talking trash. You and I have had different experiences with poverty. I meant that if I was homeless, I'd have more time like I did in jail. And I only meant that in contrast to how right now I have no time.

Technically I should be working right now, but I came here to ask for help thinking it might save me a few hours of frustrating non-billable time spent staring at code and not getting it.

We have looked into every single possible resource. My wife has a disability that's incredibly difficult to prove with insurance or the government. It makes her unable to move for large parts of the day several times per month. She literally drops things and is unsafe to drive, and it just randomly comes on out of nowhere. So she's unable to work because of this, and we're unable to get disability for it either.

We've gone through every single local church and food bank. She just stopped at the food pantry yesterday. We are on food stamps.

I'm saying all this knowing that it's a waste of billable time, because I think it's important that you know that first of all I don't mean any offense, and second of all that I'm not exaggerating when I say that we really have no other recourse at this point.

That'd be great. Wish I could get one.

The thing about being homeless is that you have a lot of time. I had a lot of time while in jail too. I exercised 2 hours a day and ate healthy and felt great physically. If I spend any time exercising or taking a walk or spend my time doing anything other than working every waking minute, my wife and kids will be homeless.

I'm not in a position for any of that. We're living literally week to week, and every single hour that I'm awake I need to work. Our bills are past due and we're overdrawn $50 in the bank right now. I'm making $25/hour with this one client, and it's barely enough for the life we have. I would downsize our lifestyle if I knew how but we can't even afford to move to a cheaper city. As it is right now, the only choice I have right now is to just work on this client project every hour that I'm awake, and sleep no more than 7-8 hours per night.

For beginners? Whatever’s most popular on the job market. Ideally something with C syntax. Most languages are similar enough and their quirks can be avoided. Lisps are definitely a bad idea for this since the syntax is less intuitive to most people. ML languages like Haskell are not for everyone either, they require mathematically inclined minds. So maybe Java or JavaScript?

Speaking as someone whose first dynamic language was python, it’s full of weird inconsistencies and I have no idea why anyone voluntarily chooses it when teaching programming. Granted all languages have warts, but people say python is easier to learn programming concepts in than other languages and I just don’t see it. I think they just mean the indentation syntax discourages confusingly indented code?

> Not sure from your post whether or not you realize the age of woman does not matter.

It does matter. It makes it worse that they were still in formative years.

> I have to wonder if that sense of strangeness is also apparent in your face to face demeanor.

I think what's coming off as "strangeness" in my writing to a lot of people here, is that it seems like I'm treating what I did very casually, like it was just something that happened. But it's just that I'm so panicked over how we literally don't have money for next month's bills, and not sure where that's going to come from, that I really can't spend any energy on anything else. The guilt of what I did has weighed me down a lot and slowed me down, and I can't afford that, so I have to shut out everything else around me and just focus on solving this one gigantic problem right in front of me, of how to avoid my family becoming homeless and starved this summer because of my past actions. That's all I can think of.

Yep. I wasn't very cooperative with treatment after the first incident. I was very defensive. I felt that I needed to protect myself from the unfair world. That mindset prevented me from healing as a person and receiving proper treatment.

It's interesting to look at both of my HN accounts. I can actually see my gradual mental deterioration and then gradual recovery.

I took it down because I just applied for another job, probably the last one I'll try. And I linked to my portfolio/blog site, but didn't want that to be the way they found out. Either way, I realize it's probably better for me to either remove this HN post, or to put the blog post back up, to avoid having discussion with too little context. So I pushed it and it should be back up now.

Oh, I forgot my repo is public :)