NalNezumi

Haven't this been known for a loooooooong time now...? I recall listening to TED talk (silly times) at least 15 years ago already talking about how behavioral pattern difference of seeking help between men/women pointing to this.

By now I would've hoped the conversation have moved from re-recognizing the problem and iterative solution seeking?

Silent suffering of this cohort have for the last maybe 10 years been too profitable segment to milk out of, to actually try to solve the underlying issue. (manosphere for example being one of the vicious extractor of this suffering)

The solution have always had some alignment with the observation that for guys, a sense of belonging, purpose, (and if younger) guidance and healthy rawmodels have been important. It warms me to see how some local efforts have addressed this. How much lively the surrounding became when they installed a free-to-use outdoor gym and football courts, for people to mingle. (and for the older cohort, Frisbee golf court apparently).

It doesn't help that when this conversation comes up, people start to project a lot and inevitably people will start to bring up women (in antagonistic tone) creating a cesspool of bitterness to hijack the conversation.

Predictably, many of the comments here are already about women

To add, you can argue for the altruistic proactive behavior on the basis of self interest too.

A good side effect of becoming the person you wish others were is that many people secretly feel the same way, and you'll attract good people by being so. You'll ofc also attract charlatans and pretenders and naturally get better at distinguishing the two. And soon you'll realize that there are good people, or good communities out there! And now that you've practiced your form of virtuous behavior, it's more likely that they'll welcome you with open arms.

When your environment changes so does your thought process and then habits. If one becomes cynical of the world the best antidote is imo to find a small world of like minded people, and first step is almost always to become a virtuous person yourself

Right now I work in R&D, kinda like a research engineer? a little multi role in the sense that for one project I'm a contributor, another I'm just an "expert resource" that chime in now and then for some domain knowledge, and then I also get pulled now and then for my expertise when the business guys need some technical input (due diligence work etc). A weird role in my first ever big corporation work so I don't know how to find it, I got lucky being in the right place right time with the right background.

Before that it was mostly startup (robotics engineering) and out of sheer sense of impostor syndrome (and curiosity) I spent a lot of my free time just learning(online courses) and going to tech meetup and through that met a researcher, that suggested a joint research project on the weekend, and later got a research job at a startup (with a pretty steep pay cut). I think that experience is what helped me the most.

It's fun but at the same time expertise and learning is a continual process and at some places (like where I am right now) it's a bit tricky to keep it up through free time study alone. I also feel like unless you're exceptional(I'm not) you'll struggle to convince others of your expertise a lot if you don't have it on paper (I don't have a PhD, when many do in what I do).

I guess also being "expert, in a cross domain project" helps. My last job was ML + Neuroscience + Robotics and I was the only person with expertise in robotics which made me valuable, and I could spend time learning a lot. In a team of exceptional robotics experts, I think it would've been a little bit harder for me

That's true! And to add, a lot of the valuable "experience signals" comes from the understanding gained by actually doing it.

The actual doing (and failures) are always the best stories I've used in technical interviews that convey expertise.

For my spare time project it's just so hard to do that extra push. My distracted mind have a long list of things I want to learn and jump in to the next one before I get that far on the current project

This differs WILDLY from country to country, and I assume city to city.

In Tokyo I would get my stuff from Amazon in a day or two, and accuracy of time of arrival was in hours.

In Stockholm, even amazon regularly delivers a week or two later than what it says. To the point I don't see the point buying from Amazon if I can find a reliable local alternative, because they'll both be late.

After initially starting coding as an escape from depression and being a shut in, all because my brother wanted to make a game (but couldn't be bothered with the coding), I realized after many years that in the end, what I find joyful in programming is the flow state and learning & understanding.

This made the university mantra of "contribute to open source for your resume. Show off your github profile" really hard for me to adapt in practice... I tried hard but I just struggled to finish project because as soon as I understood it to my content, which usually stopped at "ok I understand it now and I vaguely have a plan how I would implement it if I have to".

The good place for me to be in has therefore been coding for R&D, since understanding things are often as valued as implementing it. Consequently I often become the goto guy for debugging and understanding but maybe not the guy for "implementing it fast".

Also why I feel mixed with agentic coding... Humans don't really learn without iterations and doing it yourself; it's easy to fool yourself that you understand something after following someone's solution to a problem. But on the other hand, since I do have good understanding I should be able to be thorough with my reading of agentic coding (and therefore often becomes the goto guy for PR reviews for others vibe code).

In the small robot projects that I've had recreationally, I've struggled to find a balance. For getting things done quick, with the limited time I have, agentic coding is wonderful. But understanding takes a hit and I struggle to keep myself motivated of it. (exception are like plotting scripts. I can't be bothered anymore to wrestle with matplotlib everytime)