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Thanks for the pointer. I will check it out.

I agree with everything you say.

But I want to try for 5-6 more years before embracing the duality that many live with comfortably- work for paying bills, health insurance, vacation, etc., and free time for things that they find truly interesting and their calling. (Most people don't have callings but just do partying, vacation, etc. in free time. No judgement from my side.)

But I know people on the other side, too- those who have embraced the duality. I had a teacher in HS who is a true scholar in cultural history and literature. He has books published from tier-1 publishers. Yet he teaches High School. It leaves him with a lot of free time and he conducts field-visits during vacations and Sundays. So people do it.

But before I give up hope, I will try my hardest. FAANG means a lot of money after 5-10 years, academia means freedom to think for my own and publish research. As the field is CS, it is pretty easy to turn an idea to a prototype and to a paper after 1-5/6 months of work. That really attracts me.

Thanks for your perspective. Appreciate it.

I read non-fiction and novel successfully. If it is a non-textbook, then I can finish it in ~10 days.

But for math/programming books, I have to sit down with either a notebook or a laptop- after work- for a much longer time period.

And I lose motivation.

For normal books, I can read while in commute, or listen to while walking, during having lunch and so on. I read ~25 books per year. By dedicating not more than 20-30 minutes to reading.

I will keep your perspective and advice in my mind.

But what if I really like this stuff- learning, teaching, coming up with new ideas, solving problems, writing papers, presenting them, etc.?

And my field is Deep Learning.

I have a friend who is an NCO in the army.

It's definitely not the life for me. Extremely harsh living conditions, idiotic bosses, chain-of-command, blind following of orders, zero place for innovation, intellectualism, or individuality- these are not really my cup of tea.

He went simply because he had no other means. His family is extremely poor, and unless he wanted to be poor like them as well- he went. While he is smart, he is no intellectual.

I don't have a focus/attention problem. None at all. I am better than others at maintaining focus and concentration.

I already meditate almost daily. I exercise every day and also walk ~4 miles each day.

I am sure you are well meaning, but I disagree with you on the motivational speeches part. I find those guys to be awfully filled with themselves, and annoying. They are in the sole business of selling motivation. If your life's biggest achievement is selling motivational speeches as events/books/courses, then I am going to pass. I found motivational speeches helpful when I was maybe 12.

Many people also suffer from survivorship bias and lack nuance and extremely hot-gas-full for my taste.

I am more motivated by people I know achieving highly, or true stories of people fighting adversity to make it big in life. E.g. the project head of India's moon lander mission supposedly didn't have electricity growing up (according to an HN comment a few days ago).

I see your point.

I will keep it in my mind.

Thank you for your comment.

I will check out the book.

Yes, I believe what you say. But I will have to pay the bills and get fast internet and have money to pay health insurance. I also want to start a family some day.

And do these, I need a job. Rather than a boring, Dilbert type job, I would prefer an R&D position, or be a professor, etc.

And to do these, I need discipline, and that is why I am trying hard, and making this post to see if I can get a good advice.

Rather than working in fintech, or at a webdev consultancy firm, I would like a better environment and an esoteric job. I have mostly failed because the lack of discipline and work ethics.

I think I was able to convey why I am trying hard and in distress about my lack of work ethics and discipline.

Thank you very much for taking the time to write the comment.

I notice so many similarities with you.

I will definitely keep what you advise in mind.

I have thought about it, but didn't pursue it in a deeper manner.

I will try to set aside some time every day- for learning/working on things that make me grow. I haven't been able to do this yet.

About lowering expectations, to do challenging, esoteric things for all my life (otherwise I will die of boredom), I need to upgrade myself (like getting a FAANG job, or getting a PhD, etc.)- to do that, I will need to learn discipline. Or I risk hitting a glass ceiling.

All of what you advise are well thought out and genuine. Thank you for your advice.

> The reality is most “work” is fundamentally unchallenging, and with the exception of some smaller, early stage companies, the day-to-day will generally feel closer to high school than college in terms of complexity

About that. I want a job where I am challenged, can work in interesting problems, and appreciated for my effort. I would die of boredom in an unchallenging environment. My current goal is to get a PhD from a good uni. Research will be challenging, and as CS is a great field where you can get immediate feedback by just building things, even outside of your curriculum/task.

The courses or their complexity in college didn't hurt me- it's the bureaucracy- doing everything on their timelines, their ways. I aced in some courses, but overall grade was low. I simply avoided mandatory courses that I didn't find interesting.

I am not really fit for a common workplace. So, if I have to give up on very high achievements, I will settle for a job with job safety and lot of free time. Like working for the government. So that I have decent amount of free time for family, playing music, games, making Quantum Computing videos on YouTube, reading, and contributing to open source, and writing blogs.

Until I give up, I am going to push through for some more years (5-6) to get what I want in my life.

(I don't know if my thinking is right. :|)

I have read Atomic Habits and meditate almost everyday. I also made some minor changes to my life learning from AH.

I don't have an attention deficit. Neither do I use social media or other common culprits of the day. I don't have any problem focusing or learning. Or, as another user mentioned- accountability problem.

My problem is staying focused at something for months or years. Something shinier comes along and I switch to that.

When I was a child, I got away unaware because everything required little effort from my part. I barely studied outside of my classroom and still aced all tests. In college, although I got below average, I still graduated. With almost zero effot. About a dozen of my peers dropped out even after a lot of effort. It was a hard major.

I am responding to all comments as the writing is also reflective to myself.

I think I also have the problem of being unable to assign priorities to things that I want to do. I want to do a lot- and I want them now. I have to change this, I guess.

And I need to finish things that I start.

I can focus uninterruptedly in something for long hours. I don't have the urge to check email and social media that is so common nowadays. Some years ago, I read Deep Work and implemented as much as I could and those have served me really well.

With coffee, I can focus on the hardest things for ~2 hours.

I also mediatate almost every day.

In the last year, I have also fixed my sleep (was messed up for ~9 years)

As to your third point, I am familiar with my own patterns and can get things done. Just long term discipline-requiring tasks seem unachievable.

Finding a mentor is a good idea and as it involves loss of face on getting derailed, it keeps you motivated to remain disciplined- or at least keep working. I get that.

Also, something that I want to do has to align well with someone else's career path. I can think of 2-3 people like that. I will consider getting in touch with them and ask them to mentor me.

> was envious of others whose parents had taught them this

My parents tried to teach me but I wouldn’t, and throw the grade cards and other achievements at them- and they stopped trying after a certain age (twelve/thirteen).

I also get pleasure from achievements in my job and learning.

Trying to learn from your peers is a good idea. I will keep it in mind.