Comment by JohnMakin

If it wasn’t clear in my original post, I have to solve this for a fleet of machines. I’ve taken many breaths today, but thanks for your condescending concern. And as I said, for people with typical machine access in an org, this is a completely unacceptable solution. Anything that requires sudo access and a pasted bash script in a doc is a completely unacceptable solution. You cannot turn around and call this solved.