Comment by sellmesoap

I'm sure there's many books about this. You have to be carful when and how you give attention. _Boundaries are key_. If you're giving attention while they're behaving badly it can reinforce the situation. I've got three kids and it took a painful devorce and some deep introspection, personal change and turning some concepts on their heads. Now my third child (new partner) is a brilliant reasonable person and my relationship with my older kids is on a much more even keel. I would seek external support (therapist and child behavior folks) and don't be afraid to dig deep on why you feel the way you do and how that affects how you act and reflects in your 4yo. Good luck! (Edited for grammar.)