"Get $5,000 to move to NYC and work at some of the city's hottest startups"
Real truth: 5,000 will help you pay the first and security on a shared apartment in East Williamsburg *cough cough* I mean Bushwick. It will pay for your flight and a few nights out at Brooklyn Bowl with microbrews when you get here too. It doesn't leave any money for going back to where you came from though. You'll have to pay for that yourself, kid.
"TRUTH: Our public transit system is better than yours. Six hundred and sixty miles of tracks running 24 hours a day."
Real truth: Our underground public transit system floats atop a river of rats, garbage, and sewage. The L train doesn't run on weekends, and your face will be in someone's smelly armpit on your way to work everyday.
"TRUTH: We have the smartest and best looking people in the world, including Scarlett Johansson."
Real truth: We have the fastest walkers and the most cynical people in the world, including that guy from the Princess Diaries. And we never smile here. Ever.
But hey, who am I to judge. Come work in New York! It's the concrete jungle where Donald Trump's dreams are made. And don't forget to pack your blue striped collared shirts! It's our Friday night bar uniform.
