Heh, decent timing. My last CBT session ended with me realising one of my issues may be a lasting effect of bullying.
Essentially I was trying to find out why I procrastinate, beyond "it's just the ADHD lol"
Boiled it down and down and down until we hit the core of the issue and realised I don't want to poke my head up and ship code/sites/ideas/etc because I believe I'll be bullied for it. In school doing anything that lifted you up (e.g. good grades) made you a target.
The realisation was that that will probably not to happen now. If I do something exceptional at 34 I probably wont be bullied by my peers (or heck, even if I actually was bullied for it.. who cares lol, my peers don't understand the market I work in)
I'd never reevaluated the internalised rule "If I excel, I will be bullied" until the other day.
--
On a slightly more positive spin the whole thing made me quite sensitive to deception. If someone is trying to deceive or manipulate me my subconscious might as well be flashing up a Metal Gear Solid exclaim noise for how obvious it seems.
MGS Exclaim for reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbeEO58Hlfo
Essentially I was trying to find out why I procrastinate, beyond "it's just the ADHD lol"
Boiled it down and down and down until we hit the core of the issue and realised I don't want to poke my head up and ship code/sites/ideas/etc because I believe I'll be bullied for it. In school doing anything that lifted you up (e.g. good grades) made you a target.
The realisation was that that will probably not to happen now. If I do something exceptional at 34 I probably wont be bullied by my peers (or heck, even if I actually was bullied for it.. who cares lol, my peers don't understand the market I work in)
I'd never reevaluated the internalised rule "If I excel, I will be bullied" until the other day.
--
On a slightly more positive spin the whole thing made me quite sensitive to deception. If someone is trying to deceive or manipulate me my subconscious might as well be flashing up a Metal Gear Solid exclaim noise for how obvious it seems.
MGS Exclaim for reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbeEO58Hlfo