Comment by foothebar

Yes, like said. Also I did not see your first draft of writing before. First which comes to my mind when seeing it: It seems you are not referencing any existing work of scientists, which will be a large caveat for many, because that is like science works – enhance what others have done, prove your starting or side points of your arguments by citing what others found, do not do everything from scratch. Don't write about what you think something is like (e.g. NN), but prove it is like that by citing the right sources, which you have read.