Comment by treebot

I am not spending Christmas alone, but sometimes I wish I was. The holidays are the toughest time of year for me, because they bring up bad memories from my childhood, and the darkness of winter amplifies it and makes me feel dead inside. Every year around the holidays I have at least one really bad breakdown, and I'm just way more vulnerable emotionally, so everything hurts so much more and for longer. The pain generally has to do with relationships with other people though, so being alone helps. I don't know if it would be better to be totally alone, as OP is, but spending extensive amounts of time with family or a romantic partner is just terrible for me. Cheers OP, buy yourself a gift.