I wouldn't necessarily go along with your logic here. If you decide not to have children for one reason or another you can implement that decision without suicide. A lot of people have suicidal thoughts at some stages in their lives, then recover and are glad they didn't take a non-reversible action.
Anyway, it's too dangerous a topic for you to work things out without a bit of "peer review". So I strongly recommend to contact a counsellor.
Anyway, it's too dangerous a topic for you to work things out without a bit of "peer review". So I strongly recommend to contact a counsellor.